It’s that time of year again when Big Mike suddenly cares about how filthy the studio is and orders Ricky and Intern Dave to get to cleaning.
Also, Ricky tells us all about Jeff’s nephew Logan, the audio wonder kid.
Podcast Script (not including ad-libs):
So, it’s March now. And you know what that means: only 6 weeks til 420!
Also, it means spring cleaning at the studio. It never fails, man: as soon as the weather brightens up, suddenly Big Mike he can see all them dust bunnies and cobwebs and sticky spots on the kitchenette floor that he never noticed before.
Now, this year it wasn’t as bad, ‘cause like I mentioned before, he had us do some renovating in the studio in January to make the storage loft into a new lounge for the main live room and the old lounge into a new mix room, so there was a lot of stuff that was too new to be all that dirty, but still: Big Mike got on his high horse about how filthy the faders and everything was.
(Well, except for the new-to-us mixing board in the new mix room, because Intern Dave had throughly scrubbed all the Tommy Lee Mötley Crüe crusty cooties off that one and we ain’t seen no one bang no hookers on it since… yet…)
Y’know, it’s funny that Big Mike gets so upset about things getting spilled and dirty, considering he wears his same old dirty wifebeater tank top that used to be white—I guess—but which has mustard and ketchup stains on it because Big Mike eats like a pig and he don’t gotta care what the bimbos think about that ‘cause he’s rich and kinda famous, plus he knows real famous people, so the bimbos give him a pass on dressing like a slob.
I guess it’s a slow production week ‘cause he was supposed to be working on Bon Jovi’s new album but Bon Jovi got voice problems now and had to cancel, so Big Mike needed something to keep him entertained and unfortunately me and Intern Dave were the somethings.
So, Big Mike plonked himself on the sofa in the main control room and hollered for me and Intern Dave to come in for a staff meeting.
(He called Jeff in, too, but Jeff was mixing a new single for HV/AC and reminded Big Mike that he’s not actually staff. And that Mrs. Mike is Jeff’s aunt… which is weird ‘cause Mrs. Mike is, like, the same age as Jeff, but I think she was from Jeff’s grandpa’s second or third marriage or something… so she’s like, a second generation trophy wife, I guess… I dunno, it ain’t none of my business, but point is: Big Mike left Jeff alone after that.)
Anyway, so there was Big Mike: sitting on the black leather sofa at the back of the control room like Jabba the Hut, minus his slutty Princess Leia because it was too early in the morning for that, plus Jeff was in the other room and Big Mike figures Jeff’s a snitch so he only brings his side chicks around when Jeff’s not working that day.
And I suppose the lack of a side chick was probably part of why Big Mike was so sour-faced and needing entertainment from me and Intern Dave.
“This place is filthy!” Big Mike growled. “It’s time you two gave it a thorough cleaning.”
Well, Intern Dave grumbled and whined, ‘cause he’s a lazy asshole, but I just said, “OK, boss. What should I do first?”
Big Mike said, “Fetch the masking tape.”
Well, that don’t make no sense to me, but OK. I fetched a roll of green masking tape from the supplies drawer underneath of the drug drawer in the side table next to the sofa. Then Big Mike said to measure all the rooms of the studio and divide them into 3 equal sections and mark ‘em with the tape on the floor. I had to clean the left side of all them rooms and Intern Dave had to clean the right side of all them rooms—despite his bitching and moaning—and the middle was a No Rat’s Land which would be cleaned by whoever Big Mike determined had done a better job.
Also, the “winner” would get a six-pack of beer and a small pizza on Big Mike.
I was kinda torn: on the one hand, there was my pride and my desire for beer and pizza and bragging rights. Plus, I wanted to whup Intern Dave’s retard ass.
On the other hand, I already do most of the cleaning here ‘cause Intern Dave is supposed to do some, too, but he’s a lazy asshole, so it would be good to purposefully not win, just to make Intern Dave have to do his fair share for once.
But all in all, Big Mike was gonna be watching, so I guessed I’d have to do a good job anyway and just hope Intern Dave somehow did a better job so he’d have to clean No Rat’s Land.
So, I went and fetched the vacuum from the janitor closet and set to work vacuuming my section of the live room carpet.
Intern Dave was still standing there arguing with Big Mike 20 minutes later when I was done and went to swap the vacuum for the mop for the tile floors in the lobby.
Said he was too busy helping Jeff today to clean… which is weird ‘cause he wasn’t too busy to stand there arguing about cleaning.
Anyway, I went into the mix room to mop a third of it, thereby pissing Jeff off ‘cause I interrupted his flow.
“What are you doing here, Ricky? I’m in the middle of a session.”
“I know, but Big Mike told me to mop a third of the floor.”
“That’s stupid.”
“I know, man. But that’s what Big Mike said.”
“Who’s gonna mop the other two thirds?”
“Well, Intern Dave’s supposed to do one, then Big Mike’s gonna decide who did a better job and the winner gotta do the last third.”
“Fuck’s sake… dumbass needs a hobby.”
“No comment, sir.”
Jeff wrinkled his nose up and his whiskers twitched. “You can mop in here when I’m done tonight. Tell Intern Dave to stay out, too.”
“I thought he was assisting you today.”
Jeff scoffed at that and gestured to his nephew Logan. “Pfft! You know Logan’s my only assistant!”
“Well, I thought so, but Intern Dave told Big Mike he couldn’t clean today because he was too busy assisting you.”
Now, that got both Jeff and Logan all up in arms and Jeff grabbed his phone to text Big Mike that a. there would be no cleaning contest during his mix session and b. Intern Dave was NOT his assistant that day or ever.
I know it was kinda a dick move to snitch on Intern Dave like that, but as we’ve established: fuck Intern Dave, he’s an asshole. And he almost got me killed a few weeks ago by mixing bleach and ammonia into mustard gas right here in this very mix room.
But Big Mike loves Intern Dave, man. They ain’t related or nothing, but Big Mike sees a lot of himself in Intern Dave. They got the same sorta beady eyes and mean spirit and Intern Dave blows all sorta smoke up Big Mike’s butt about how brilliant Big Mike is, unappreciated genius this and legend that.
I guess I should give y’all some of the history, huh? I mean, I told ya back in the first episode how I came to work here at Big Mike’s studio: I used to hang out in the alley behind trying to meet famous dudes and get autographs for my collection and to impress my friends in middle school and junior high, and Big Mike used to chase me away all the time but I kept hanging around and one day he fired his old intern at the time and told me if I was gonna hang out like a bum all day I might as well come in and mop the floors and I said “sure!”
After that, Big Mike never chased me away but he’d call me in to do chores and eventually he just started saying shit like, “OK, be here by 9am on Saturday and wash the windows.” And then I’d be there and eventually I was kinda staff by default and he started paying me minimum wage because his accountant told him he needed more tax deductions or whatever.
Now, Intern Dave didn’t start here by hanging out. Instead, Big Mike acquired him because he went to give a talk at some shitty audio school back east and hung around to meet and greet after the talk and I guess Intern Dave was all gushy and flattering about how he’d love to work for Big Mike and all that and Big Mike likes the flattery so he told Dave to come out to the big city here in Ratsville and get in touch and like, two weeks later I had a new thorn in my backside when Intern Dave showed up to crash at his aunty Carol’s house for the weekend… well, that was two years ago and neither Rat Trap Studios nor Aunty Carol’s managed to get rid of the little douche yet.
Sigh… whatever… Intern Dave’s a real pain in the ass but I guess he ain’t going nowhere ‘cause word on the street is none of the studio dudes down in LA can stand Intern Dave when he tags along with Big Mike on sessions there, so we’re stuck with him ’til he builds up his own damn client list and starts hanging out elsewhere.
I mean, he says when he wins a Grammy he’s gonna get his green card and move to LA and open his own studio, but that might take another 15 years. If it ever happens.
Fuck my life.
What else… oh, yeah: Logan. I didn’t mention him before, did I? Naw, I forgot… Logan’s a good egg, man. He’s Jeff’s sister Katie’s son and he just turned 15 but he’s wanted to be a big time mix engineer like his uncle Jeff ever since he was little. I mean, I been working here at Rat Trap Studios for over five years now, or at least I been getting paid for five years, and working here for free a couple years before that, so I’ve seen Logan grow up over that time. And he is obsessed with the gear, man. He got good ears just like Jeff, too, but fixing gear is where he really excels.
Jeff used to give him broken guitar pedals to play with when he was like, 10, and he’d take ‘em all apart and then Jeff taught him how to solder the circuits and Logan would, like, Frankenstein two or three busted guitar pedals together to make these weird but really cool new pedals. And then Jeff started showing him how to fix FX boxes and stuff so by the time he was, like, 13 he was Rat Trap Studios’ designated backline repairman.
And Jeff, of course, made damn sure Big Mike paid the lil’ tyke, especially ‘cause that was right after Big Mike married Jeff’s Aunty Brandi, so there woulda been hell to pay if Mrs. Mike’s great-nephew Logan wasn’t getting properly paid.
I dunno the full story of why Logan gets to hang out all day at the studio instead of going to school, but I know his mama Katie is, like, a lady engineer who works for the Ratland Space Program and she works long hours so I think it started off with her having Jeff pick Logan up after school so he wouldn’t get in trouble and she wouldn’t have to pay for a babysitter.
But also, I think Logan’s one of them gifted nerd kids who gets bored in school so he’s, like, homeschooled or whatever, except it happens in the studio lounge in the morning, ‘cause when I get there at 10 am most mornings Logan’s already finishing up his schoolwork for the day so he can go shadow Jeff when the clients get in around 11.
And Jeff told me Logan gonna graduate high school in June because he’s real smart and worked ahead and finished his classes early. Which kinda puts me to shame, cause I got held back a couple times in third grade then I had to repeat algebra a couple more times ’til Mr. Ratuzzi passed me out of it, I think ‘cause he just got sick of seeing me sleeping in the back of his class every year. But I mean, Logan’s a pretty smart kid, so it makes sense to me he’d pass things on the first go and early even.
The big fight right now between Logan and Jeff and Mama Katie is Mama Katie wants Logan to go to university and get an electrical engineering degree as something to fall back on but Logan said university is a waste of money and they make you do a lot of worthless bullshit aside from your actual useful classes and also if he really needed to get a degree he can always go later.
Now, I get his point, sorta… well, not really ‘cause I was never gonna go to university… but anyway, I mean, ya gotta make your mama happy, too. And I kinda told him that maybe he could go to school part-time and get his degree that way while still working with Jeff so he’s kinda thinking about that. Like, maybe he can take his classes in the mornings and then he’d be able to do studio stuff in the afternoon and evenings.
I mean, Logan’s gonna be done high school a couple years early, so even if it takes him twice as long to get a degree and please his mama, he’s still just gonna be, like, 22.
But what do I know? Really, I try to stay out of it ‘cause it ain’t none of my business. Just like it ain’t none of business where Logan’s daddy is in this whole discussion, even though Big Mike sure likes to stick his nose in that and he says Logan’s daddy is a member of one of them boy bands that was so popular back in the 2000s and Katie been getting big fat child support cheques all along… but that’s just a rumor I was told; I dunno if it’s actually true. The important thing is Jeff done stepped up for Logan, kinda like I step up for my own nephew Marvin even though Marvin’s got a dad in my sister Becky’s hubby Jordan but even so, I make sure I spend lots of good quality time with Marvin ‘cause he needs it.
Anyway, in the meantime, Jeff’s teaching Logan all about mix engineering and…. Y’know, I forget why I went off on this whole tangent and… oh, right: Intern Dave’s an asshole and was trying to steal Logan’s place as Jeff’s mix assistant.
And I mentioned about Jeff texting Big Mike to say otherwise, and while I was standing there with the bucket and the mop while Jeff was still texting, we could hear Big Mike yelling at Intern Dave despite all the soundproofing, so Logan gestured for me to sit down at on the sofa at the back of the mix room and I did and we sat there observing Jeff as he worked on the mix for HV/AC’s new single “Big Chunky Cheese Mama.”
It’s a real banger, man. I think it’s gonna be a big hit. And Logan’s gonna go down in the credits as the mix assistant.
Now, none of the guys from HV/AC were there, ‘cause they’re away on tour right now, but Jeff got it finished by suppertime and was explaining to me and Logan all the signal chain and the settings on the outboard effects and all, and then he had Logan print off the different versions and stems while I went to fetch pizza and beer for dinner (plus root beer for Logan ‘cause he’s underage and all) and when I went out to do that, there was Big Mike standing over Intern Dave, whose punishment for lying about assisting Jeff was to have to scrub all the floors in the lobby with a little hand brush while Big Mike supervised… and barked out his own pizza order.
So… I guess I got what I wanted in the end, but also Intern Dave sucks at scrubbing so I’m gonna have to mop the floors all over again anyway so it’s done proper.
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